I almost burned the kitchen down..

I may be exaggerating a little, but this is a true story of my Thursday night. I was too frazzled to take pictures of anything...whoops #badblogger
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Pinterest, I stumbled across THE bread. I had heard wonderful things about The Pioneer Woman and her recipes, and being known as "the bread and cheese girl" in my youth, I knew I had to give it a go. What could go wrong? It was just a loaf of store-bought French bread and a couple sticks of butter. WRONG.
I keep my butter in the freezer because I feel it lasts longer that way (and I have more room in there than in my fridge). I got four half-sticks out of the freezer 3 hours before dinner to thaw. When it came time to start dinner, I put some parchment paper down on a cookie sheet (because who really likes to clean baking pans?) and got to work on the bread. By got to work, all I really did was cut that loaf of bread in half and slather a stick of butter on each half.
I know what you're thinking...a stick of butter on each half?! That's what I said too, but it's Paula Deen The Pioneer Woman, and her word is law, right?
I stuck that buttery bread in the over for the suggested time and got to work on the other part of dinner: chicken and green beans. We're super gourmet in this house. Because I had spent the majority of my day driving around town cursing the tax gods running errands, I was exhausted and didn't really want to cook, so I whipped out my trusty seasoning mix and got to work on the chicken. Bad news: I forgot how strong this seasoning was, so I probably ended up with 2-3x too much seasoning on that chicken. Part one: ruined
I forgot to pick up green beans when I was at the store earlier in the day, so I decided to use one of the Green Giant steam bags I had in the freezer. I forgot how long it had been in the freezer, so when I cooked the green beans up, I soon realized that they had been in too long. There was a puddle of green bean juice all over our plates and the beans were flavorless and soggy. Ick Part two: ruined
My ten minutes for the bread was finally up, so I went to the tricky step in the recipe: using the broiler. Let me just preface this by saying that (1) I hate broilers and (2) our oven is always a jerk. The recipes states "The goal here is to broil the bread to the point that the butter becomes very dark brown and, in just a few areas, begins to burn." Great
I checked the bread every 30-45 seconds because I've had issues with our broiler in the past and knew it liked to be tricky. I finally got the bread looking like the pictures on TPW's website. I had finally conquered the broiler. I was Queen of the Hill Kitchen! I pulled the beautiful bread out of the oven and noticed one final little problem: the parchment paper was on fire. Here was my dilemma: did I turn the water on and put the paper under the fire, or did I somehow try to move the bread off the paper first? The fire started spreading more rapidly than any sane person would like to see in their kitchen, so I quickly opted for option 1. I wanted to avoid getting water on the bread at all costs because it was the only salvageable part of the meal at this point, so I turned the water on low. I stuck the on-fire paper under the water and thought I was good to go. The fire didn't go out. I did it again, this time turning the water on a little more. The fire still didn't go out. 
At this point, Leo heard all of my weird panic-y noises and came to see what was going on. He starting freaking out that I was going to burn the house down and told me to just use the spray nozzle and forget the bread. I grabbed the spray nozzle, almost sprayed myself in the face, and started spraying the paper. Finally, the fire was out. Downside? Half of the bread was now sitting in water. I went into action, cutting off all the wet bread, yelling at Leo to get another plate, and using a spatula to move the dry-ish bread because everything was still too hot to manhandle.  The crazy part was that the bread was too buttery for Leo or I to really enjoy. Part three: ruined

(source)
You wanna know the kicker to this story? Leo had been offered free dinner for two from one of our favorite restaurants that afternoon. He turned it down. #whompwhomp
I'm not ashamed to admit this...I had an ice cream sundae for dinner.