I have been struggling more and more when people announce their pregnancies. It's not that I'm unhappy that they get to experience one of the greatest gifts anyone can experience. It's not that I don't like babies. It's not even that I wish I was them at the moment. It's because I've experienced that awful little word: miscarriage.
It's not something I run around telling people. In fact, it's not even something that most of my family knows. You see, this all happened in September 2011- 11 months after we got married. I had recently started back to school, we had moved back to Arkansas, and we had just gone through some of those newlywed rough patches that nobody warns you about. There was absolutely no way we were prepared for kids.
The entire month of September was a blur. I remember calling my mom right after finding out and having to repeat myself 4 or 5 times just to get the words out clearly enough for her to understand what I said. If the m word hadn't happened, Leo and I would have an adorable little child right now.
I thought I had dealt with the feeling I felt that September (because you can never just get over an experience like that) when we found out two months later that we were going to have our first niece. While I was over-the-moon excited for the newly expecting parents, I couldn't help but feel slightly bitter and overwhelmed with sadness. I was supposed to be in their shoes, I was supposed to be feeling that joy. On the outside, I handled it well, but Leo saw my heartache.
Fast forward to this past Christmas. I had had a nagging feeling the drive out there that something big was going to happen while visiting my family. After everyone in my family had finished opening their gifts, my cousin brought out another bag full of gifts. Inside those gifts were announcements of her pregnancy. Everyone around me was standing up, crying tears of joy for this wonderful gift and I lost it. I ran to the bathroom sobbing. Sobbing because once again, someone close to me was experiencing the gift I lost.
I don't handle rough situations or experiences well. I tend to hide them inside because the worst thing anyone can feel for me is pity. The looks you get when people know about one of the darkest moments in your life. This is why blogging is such a great outlet for me. I don't want people who are pregnant to feel guilty for any reason while they're around me. I don't want anything to become awkward.
However, I do need advice. I need to know how I can look forward and stop being reminded of the past. I need to know if it gets better. Easier. I want to be joyous at pregnancy announcements without experiencing that twinge of intense sadness.
So hard to remember, yet oh so true. source