I have been struggling more and more when people announce their pregnancies. It's not that I'm unhappy that they get to experience one of the greatest gifts anyone can experience. It's not that I don't like babies. It's not even that I wish I was them at the moment. It's because I've experienced that awful little word: miscarriage.
It's not something I run around telling people. In fact, it's not even something that most of my family knows. You see, this all happened in September 2011- 11 months after we got married. I had recently started back to school, we had moved back to Arkansas, and we had just gone through some of those newlywed rough patches that nobody warns you about. There was absolutely no way we were prepared for kids.
The entire month of September was a blur. I remember calling my mom right after finding out and having to repeat myself 4 or 5 times just to get the words out clearly enough for her to understand what I said. If the m word hadn't happened, Leo and I would have an adorable little child right now.
I thought I had dealt with the feeling I felt that September (because you can never just get over an experience like that) when we found out two months later that we were going to have our first niece. While I was over-the-moon excited for the newly expecting parents, I couldn't help but feel slightly bitter and overwhelmed with sadness. I was supposed to be in their shoes, I was supposed to be feeling that joy. On the outside, I handled it well, but Leo saw my heartache.
Fast forward to this past Christmas. I had had a nagging feeling the drive out there that something big was going to happen while visiting my family. After everyone in my family had finished opening their gifts, my cousin brought out another bag full of gifts. Inside those gifts were announcements of her pregnancy. Everyone around me was standing up, crying tears of joy for this wonderful gift and I lost it. I ran to the bathroom sobbing. Sobbing because once again, someone close to me was experiencing the gift I lost.
I don't handle rough situations or experiences well. I tend to hide them inside because the worst thing anyone can feel for me is pity. The looks you get when people know about one of the darkest moments in your life. This is why blogging is such a great outlet for me. I don't want people who are pregnant to feel guilty for any reason while they're around me. I don't want anything to become awkward.
However, I do need advice. I need to know how I can look forward and stop being reminded of the past. I need to know if it gets better. Easier. I want to be joyous at pregnancy announcements without experiencing that twinge of intense sadness.
So hard to remember, yet oh so true. source
16 comments:
This broke my heart for you Kim! While I have no experience in the pregnancy department, all I can say is that God knows when the time is right. One day he will bring you and Leo the most precious baby ever and it will all make sense. As bad as this may sound, sometimes things are taken away or don't go the way we would have hoped, so that when we get them and they do go our way, we appreciate them that much more!
Thinking about you girl!
I have miscarried, and I know what you are feeling and going through. Having been there myself, the only thing I can truly say is everything is in His perfect time. You mentioned you and Leo were in a rough patch, and there was no way you were ready. Just think of it as a blessing and a saving of your marriage. You have to look at the good that is in the bad. It will get better. I now have a 4 year old and I think in feeling that loss, I take less for granted with her, and even though my pregnancy with her was the worst ever, I would not change a single thing.
Hi Sweet Girl! I have yet to experience anything like this- so I cannot even FATHOM the pain that it causes you. One of my best friends- in real life- is going through this right now & I know that it is probably the hardest thing that she has EVER dealt with. I have no wise words & no advice, but, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are AMAZING! Thank you for sharing your struggle with us even though it wasn't easy. I love ya and I'm here for you always, friend!
Heyyyyy... new follower here and on instagram from the Memphis Bloggers group. Have a great weekend!!
Oh Kim. My heart just flew out of my chest for you, I wish I could give you a hug. I think it's so brave of you to share your experience and feelings. I am excited for you, because I know this will open to doors for others who've experienced miscarriage to reach out to you and help you through your feelings. I haven't experienced it, but I know many have and I've heard beautiful stories from them about healing, so I know that's out there for you, too. Hold tight, chin up, and let others comfort you with stories about how it does get better! xoxox hugs.
Hey Kim. First of all, I'm so glad that you posted this. It is a VERY hard thing to do. As you know, I miscarried about 1 month after you, and I struggled with it for a LONG time. Even this past summer, when I first found out my cousin-in-law was pregnant, I felt more bitterness than joy. I felt like this despite knowing that TJ and I were going to start trying again very soon. It is just so hard. It is a sense of loss that you can't even begin to grasp unless you've been through it.
I now stand here on the other side of things (I'm so sorry if my posts are too much for you...I totally understand), and now I can say that it is all in God's timing. It sounds like that is the easy thing to say, but, honestly, it's true. Having a miscarriage has allowed me to appreciate this little miracle so much more than if I hadn't gone through that loss. Actually, I wouldn't even have this miracle if it weren't for our miscarriage. Although I was starting to come to terms with my miscarriage just before we got pregnant, I don't think I was able to feel that joy for other people until I got pregnant again myself.
God knows what He's doing. He will bless you and Leo with a baby when the time is right even if it may not seem like it at the time. I'm here for you if you need me! Hugs!
I totally feel you. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I miscarried about a year and a half ago and it was definitely tough at strange points. I remember breaking down randomly to my husband in the bathroom a few months later and it being tough when I found out others were pregnant, especially when we were trying with no success. The one thing that helped me was knowing that it was for the best. I'm not religious, so I thought that it was really nature dealing with a pregnancy that was not strong enough or right, but I can also see that if you believe in God that it is his will at work.
I now have an adorable 8 month old baby boy. I love him loads and know that he was meant for us. I still sometimes think about the miscarriage, I don't think that ever fully goes away, but it is SO much easier. Good luck Kim, and thanks for sharing. I don't think enough people talk about it. While it is actually a fairly often occurrence, when you go through it it can seem almost taboo. But you are NOT alone, and opening up might not only help others but also lead others to share their experiences. <3
I'm sorry about your miscarriage. :( Your grief is totally normal, and I don't believe grief EVER goes away completely, but it definitely gets easier with time. It also helps to remind yourself (and others) that your sadness at others' good news doesn't cancel out your best wishes for them. Those feelings are coming from completely separate places. The people who know and love you will understand that.
Oh sweet girl. I wish I had the words...but I don't.
You are so courageous for sharing your story here. I hope that you find the support that you need ... and I'm always an email or skype date away! xoxo
God knows when the right time is. I promise!
Kim, I wish I had an answer for you. I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage and all the questions that it must bring up in your mind, but I definitely understand how you desperately want to get over the past and not think about it and that's where I fall short. For some reason, I've never been able to acknowledge something happened and then move on from it without getting sad.
For what it's worth, you and Leo are going to make amazing parents one day and I'm always here for you if you want to vent out any frustrations or sadness. I love you!
I never knew just how hard miscarriage was until I had one. It's simply soul crushing. The quote you posted is exactly right. When it's the right time, it will happen. God is good.
Fellow Memphis blogger & new follower... :)
my situation is a little different because I've never miscarried.. I had to make the decision not to have kids mostly due to my poor health. But I can definitely relate. I've gone through a lot of the same things.. for awhile I was helping raise my niece, and while it helped it also made it that much worse at times. I think it does to some extent get easier over time, or at least it somewhat has for me. Again, not the same situation though. I'm just happy I've been fortunate to have the people in my life I have.. and had the chance to babysit while I could. Sometimes that's better than nothing.
I LOVE YOU!!! You are amazing for writing about this. I went through a terrible miscarriage as well and have my story written down. If you'd like, I'm willing to e-mail it to you. Once upon a time, I had it published on my other blog and then someone sent in a bad comment- I couldn't handle it. So you are brave friend!
My heart just feels so heartbroken for you. The time will come for y'all. Have faith, darlin'.
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